Depression- It Gets Better

A while ago I shared a post about my depression when I first got to Canada. Read here. I wanted to admit that this was a watered-down version of how bad I actually felt because although I wanted to share my experiences, I didn’t want to worry people back home. Here is a note that I wrote in my phone that I never had any intention of actually sharing:

After last night’s post I’ve had so many people reach out to me and I appreciate them so much. I know they’re trying their best to help but being told everything will be ok soon isn’t helping. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, not at all. I know they mean well and there isn’t much else they can do or say. But I can’t see how I can possibly be happy anytime soon when I feel so stuck. I’ve never ever felt like this before. In the hundreds of times I’ve experienced depression, I’ve always had a little bit of hope. But I don’t have that hope anymore. All I see in my future is me going through the motions feeling completely numb as I am now. 

I usually bounce back from depression and am my old self soon enough but it doesn’t seem to be happening this time. I can only distract myself for so long before the feelings creep back again. I’ve had constant thoughts of dying which is absolutely terrifying- that’s something I’ve never experienced before. Luckily another part of me can still think logically and know that these thoughts are irrational. I feel like I’m being so ungrateful but I genuinely can’t control this. It’s extremely difficult to keep fighting the negativity. I’m trying so hard to feel better but everything is so exhausting. I feel guilty for feeling sad. Like I’m being a self-centred brat and wasting my days in a city most people would love to be able to travel to. 

I’m scared, I feel lonely and I feel defeated. I regret my decision to come here and I don’t feel like doing anything other than sleeping- my thoughts are driving me crazy. I don’t know how to make it better. This is all so overwhelming and I don’t have anyone here to help me. I really don’t know what to do.

So yeah. That post is a bit different to the one I shared. But as I’m reflecting over the last few months and thinking about all the life-changing, amazing moments I’ve had, I wanted to show people that it will get better. No matter how helpless you might feel.

In my case it was a matter of taking control of my health and my life again. I’d had enough of feeling victim to my moods. A lot of people go on antidepressants but I did a lot of research and was able to mirror the same effects through a healthy diet and supplements. Once I had that sorted I was able to think clearly and change how I thought about my situation. I had more motivation to take care of myself, to exercise and to go out and meet people in my new city. And as time went on I felt better and better.

I think the most important thing was that I focused only on each moment- not the next few days, weeks or even hours. Circumstances may make things easier/harder but ultimately it is mindset that will bring happiness. In March I was completely at rock bottom but my life has changed so much in the last few months and I never could’ve predicted any of it. I’m so thankful for the fab people who helped me get through it. The new friends I made on my travels, and my friends and family who supported me from the other side of the world. I love you all.

5 thoughts on “Depression- It Gets Better

  1. Omg, that post is exactly how I felt. Being told “everything will be ok” doesn’t help. And I did feel ungrateful when I received messages like that Thank you for sharing 💗 I’m glad you’ve been able to move forward, make friends, and take care of yourself. Great pics! =)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Right now going through a similar feeling. All I can say is I send hugs from here.. to you wherever you are right now. May you find solace in nobody but yourself. Nothing but yourself. May you find yourself…

    May be right now, this is not what I am telling you but may be to myself and whoever is depressed and reading this. Or may not be depressed by still reading this.. (:

    Liked by 1 person

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